The Complete Short Stories of Saki Read online

  ‘Candles would be more orthodox,’ said the Goblin.

  ‘More orthodox, certainly,’ agreed the Saint, ‘and the mice could have the ends to eat; candle-ends are most fattening.’

  The Goblin was too well bred to wink; besides, being a stone goblin, it was out of the question.

  ‘Well, if it ain’t there, sure enough!’ said the vergeress next morning. She took the shining coin down from the gusty niche and turned it over and over in her grimy hands. Then she put it to her mouth and bit it.

  ‘She can’t be going to eat it,’ thought the Saint, and fixed her with his stoniest stare.

  ‘Well,’ said the woman, in a somewhat shriller key, ‘who’d have thought it! A saint, too!’

  Then she did an unaccountable thing. She hunted an old piece of tape out of her pocket, and tied it crosswise, with a big loop, round the thaler, and hung it round the neck of the little Saint.

  Then she went away.

  ‘The only possible explanation,’ said the Goblin, ‘is that it’s a bad one.’

  ‘What is that decoration your neighbour is wearing?’ asked a wyvern that was wrought into the capital of an adjacent pillar.

  The Saint was ready to cry with mortification, only, being of stone, he couldn’t.

  ‘It’s a coin of – ahem! – fabulous value,’ replied the Goblin tactfully.

  And the news went round the Cathedral that the shrine of the little stone Saint had been enriched by a priceless offering.

  ‘After all, it’s something to have the conscience of a goblin,’ said the Saint to himself.

  The church mice were as poor as ever. But that was their function.

  The Soul of Laploshka

  Laploshka was one of the meanest men I have ever met, and quite one of the most entertaining. He said horrid things about other people in such a charming way that one forgave him for the equally horrid things he said about oneself behind one’s back. Hating anything in the way of ill-natured gossip ourselves, we are always grateful to those who do it for us and do it well. And Laploshka did it really well.

  Naturally Laploshka had a large circle of acquaintances, and as he exercised some care in their selection it followed that an appreciable proportion were men whose bank balances enabled them to acquiesce indulgently in his rather one-sided views on hospitality. Thus, although possessed of only moderate means, he was able to live comfortably within his income, and still more comfortably within those of various tolerantly disposed associates.

  But towards the poor or to those of the same limited resources as himself his attitude was one of watchful anxiety; he seemed to be haunted by a besetting fear lest some fraction of a shilling or franc, or whatever the prevailing coinage might be, should be diverted from his pocket or service into that of a hard-up companion. A two-franc cigar would be cheerfully offered to a wealthy patron, on the principle of doing evil that good may come, but I have known him indulge in agonies of perjury rather than admit the incriminating possession of a copper coin when change was needed to tip a waiter. The coin would have been duly returned at the earliest opportunity – he would have taken means to ensure against forgetfulness on the part of the borrower – but accidents might happen, and even the temporary estrangement from his penny or sou was a calamity to be avoided.

  The knowledge of this amiable weakness offered a perpetual temptation to play upon Laploshka’s fears of involuntary generosity. To offer him a lift in a cab and pretend not to have enough money to pay the fare, to fluster him with a request for a sixpence when his hand was full of silver just received in change, these were a few of the petty torments that ingenuity prompted as occasion afforded. To do justice to Laploshka’s resourcefulness it must be admitted that he always emerged somehow or other from the most embarrassing dilemma without in any way compromising his reputation for saying ‘No’. But the gods send opportunities at some time to most men, and mine came one evening when Laploshka and I were supping together in a cheap boulevard restaurant. (Except when he was the bidden guest of some one with an irreproachable income, Laploshka was wont to curb his appetite for high living; on such fortunate occasions he let it go on an easy snaffle.) At the conclusion of the meal a somewhat urgent message called me away, and without heeding my companion’s agitated protest, I called back cruelly, ‘Pay my share; I’ll settle with you tomorrow.’ Early on the morrow Laploshka hunted me down by instinct as I walked along a side street that I hardly ever frequented. He had the air of a man who had not slept.

  ‘You owe me two francs from last night,’ was his breathless greeting.

  I spoke evasively of the situation in Portugal, where more trouble seemed brewing. But Laploshka listened with the abstraction of the deaf adder, and quickly returned to the subject of the two francs.

  ‘I’m afraid I must owe it to you,’ I said lightly and brutally. ‘I haven’t a sou in the world,’ and I added mendaciously, ‘I’m going away for six months or perhaps longer.’

  Laploshka said nothing, but his eyes bulged a little and his cheeks took on the mottled hues of an ethnographical map of the Balkan Peninsula. That same day, at sundown, he died. ‘Failure of the heart’s action’ was the doctor’s verdict; but I, who knew better, knew that he had died of grief.

  There arose the problem of what to do with his two francs. To have killed Laploshka was one thing; to have kept his beloved money would have argued a callousness of feeling of which I am not capable. The ordinary solution, of giving it to the poor, would by no means fit the present situation, for nothing would have distressed the dead man more than such a misuse of his property. On the other hand, the bestowal of two francs on the rich was an operation which called for some tact. An easy way out of the difficulty seemed, however, to present itself the following Sunday, as I was wedged into the cosmopolitan crowd which filled the side-aisle of one of the most popular Paris churches. A collecting-bag, for ‘the poor of Monsieur le Curé’, was buffeting its tortuous way across the seemingly impenetrable human sea, and a German in front of me, who evidently did not wish his appreciation of the magnificent music to be marred by a suggestion of payment, made audible criticisms to his companion on the claims of the said charity.

  ‘They do not want money,’ he said; ‘they have too much money. They have no poor. They are all pampered.’

  If that were really the case my way seemed clear. I dropped Laploshka’s two francs into the bag with a murmured blessing on the rich of Monsieur le Curé.

  Some three weeks later chance had taken me to Vienna, and I sat one evening regaling myself in a humble but excellent little Gasthaus up in the Währinger quarter. The appointments were primitive, but the Schnitzel, the beer and the cheese could not have been improved on. Good cheer brought good custom, and with the exception of one small table near the door every place was occupied. Half-way through my meal I happened to glance in the direction of that empty seat, and saw that it was no longer empty. Poring over the bill of fare with the absorbed scrutiny of one who seeks the cheapest among the cheap was Laploshka. Once he looked across at me, with a comprehensive glance at my repast, as though to say, ‘It is my two francs you are eating,’ and then looked swiftly away. Evidently the poor of Monsieur le Curé had been genuine poor. The Schnitzel turned to leather in my mouth, the beer seemed tepid; I left the Emmenthaler untasted. My one idea was to get away from the room, away from the table where that was seated; and as I fled I felt Laploshka’s reproachful eyes watching the amount that I gave to the piccolo – out of his two francs. I lunched next day at an expensive restaurant which I felt sure that the living Laploshka would never have entered on his own account, and I hoped that the dead Laploshka would observe the same barriers. I was not mistaken, but as I came out I found him miserably studying the bill of fare stuck up on the portals. Then he slowly made his way over to a milk-hall. For the first time in my experience I missed the charm and gaiety of Vienna life.

  After that, in Paris or London or wherever I happened to be, I continued to see a good dea
l of Laploshka. If I had a seat in a box at a theatre I was always conscious of his eyes furtively watching me from the dim recesses of the gallery. As I turned into my club on a rainy afternoon I would see him taking inadequate shelter in a doorway opposite. Even if I indulged in the modest luxury of a penny chair in the Park he generally confronted me from one of the free benches, never staring at me, but always elaborately conscious of my presence. My friends began to comment on my changed looks, and advised me to leave off heaps of things. I should have liked to have left off Laploshka.

  On a certain Sunday – it was probably Easter, for the crush was worse than ever – I was again wedged into the crowd listening to the music in the fashionable Paris church, and again the collection-bag was buffeting its way across the human sea. An English lady behind me was making ineffectual efforts to convey a coin into the still distant bag, so I took the money at her request and helped it forward to its destination. It was a two-franc piece. A swift inspiration came to me, and I merely dropped my own sou into the bag and slid the silver coin into my pocket. I had withdrawn Laploshka’s two francs from the poor, who should never have had that legacy. As I backed away from the crowd I heard a woman’s voice say, ‘I don’t believe he put my money in the bag. There are swarms of people in Paris like that!’ But my mind was lighter than it had been for a long time.

  The delicate mission of bestowing the retrieved sum on the deserving rich still confronted me. Again I trusted to the inspiration of accident, and again fortune favoured me. A shower drove me, two days later, into one of the historic churches on the left bank of the Seine, and there I found, peering at the old wood-carvings, the Baron R., one of the wealthiest and most shabbily dressed men in Paris. It was now or never. Putting a strong American inflection into the French which I usually talked with an unmistakable British accent, I catechised the Baron as to the date of the church’s building, its dimensions, and other details which an American tourist would be certain to want to know. Having acquired such information as the Baron was able to impart on short notice, I solemnly placed the two-franc piece in his hand, with the hearty assurance that it was ‘pour vous’, and turned to go. The Baron was slightly taken aback, but accepted the situation with a good grace. Walking over to a small box fixed in the wall, he dropped Laploshka’s two francs into the slot. Over the box was the inscription, ‘Pour les pauvres de M. le Curé’.

  That evening, at the crowded corner by the Café de la Paix, I caught a fleeting glimpse of Laploshka. He smiled, slightly raised his hat, and vanished. I never saw him again. After all, the money had been given to the deserving rich, and the soul of Laploshka was at peace.

  The Bag

  ‘The Major is coming in to tea,’ said Mrs Hoopington to her niece. ‘He’s just gone round to the stables with his horse. Be as bright and lively as you can; the poor man’s got a fit of the glooms.’

  Major Pallaby was a victim of circumstances, over which he had no control, and of his temper, over which he had very little. He had taken on the Mastership of the Pexdale Hounds in succession to a highly popular man who had fallen foul of his committee, and the Major found himself confronted with the overt hostility of at least half the hunt, while his lack of tact and amiability had done much to alienate the remainder. Hence subscriptions were beginning to fall off, foxes grew provokingly scarcer, and wire obtruded itself with increasing frequency. The Major could plead reasonable excuse for his fit of the glooms.

  In ranging herself as a partisan on the side of Major Pallaby Mrs Hoopington had been largely influenced by the fact that she had made up her mind to marry him at an early date. Against his notorious bad temper she set his three thousand a year, and his prospective succession to a baronetcy gave a casting vote in his favour. The Major’s plans on the subject of matrimony were not at present in such an advanced stage as Mrs Hoopington’s, but he was beginning to find his way over to Hoopington Hall with a frequency that was already being commented on.

  ‘He had a wretchedly thin field out again yesterday,’ said Mrs Hoopington. ‘Why you didn’t bring one or two hunting men down with you, instead of that stupid Russian boy, I can’t think.’

  ‘Vladimir isn’t stupid,’ protested her niece; ‘he’s one of the most amusing boys I ever met. Just compare him for a moment with some of your heavy hunting men –’

  ‘Anyhow, my dear Norah, he can’t ride.’

  ‘Russians never can; but he shoots.’

  ‘Yes; and what does he shoot? Yesterday he brought home a woodpecker in his game-bag.’

  ‘But he’d shot three pheasants and some rabbits as well.’

  ‘That’s no excuse for including a woodpecker in his game-bag.’

  ‘Foreigners go in for mixed bags more than we do. A Grand Duke pots a vulture just as seriously as we should stalk a bustard. Anyhow, I’ve explained to Vladimir that certain birds are beneath his dignity as a sportsman. And as he’s only nineteen, of course, his dignity is a sure thing to appeal to.’

  Mrs Hoopington sniffed. Most people with whom Vladimir came in contact found his high spirits infectious, but his present hostess was guaranteed immune against infection of that sort.

  ‘I hear him coming in now,’ she observed. ‘I shall go and get ready for tea. We’re going to have it here in the hall. Entertain the Major if he comes in before I’m down, and, above all, be bright.’

  Norah was dependent on her aunt’s good graces for many little things that made life worth living, and she was conscious of a feeling of discomfiture because the Russian youth whom she had brought down as a welcome element of change in the country-house routine was not making a good impression. That young gentleman, however, was supremely unconscious of any shortcomings, and burst into the hall, tired, and less sprucely groomed than usual, but distinctly radiant. His game-bag looked comfortably full.

  ‘Guess what I have shot,’ he demanded.

  ‘Pheasants, wood-pigeons, rabbits,’ hazarded Norah.

  ‘No; a large beast; I don’t know what you call it in English. Brown, with a darkish tail.’ Norah changed colour.

  ‘Does it live in a tree and eat nuts?’ she asked, hoping that the use of the adjective ‘large’ might be an exaggeration.

  Vladimir laughed. ‘Oh, no; not a biyelka.’

  ‘Does it swim and eat fish?’ asked Norah, with a fervent prayer in her heart that it might turn out to be an otter.

  ‘No,’ said Vladimir, busy with the straps of his game-bag; ‘it lives in the woods, and eats rabbits and chickens.’

  Norah sat down suddenly, and hid her face in her hands.

  ‘Merciful Heaven!’ she wailed; ‘he’s shot a fox!!’

  Vladimir looked up at her in consternation. In a torrent of agitated words she tried to explain the horror of the situation. The boy understood nothing, but was thoroughly alarmed.

  ‘Hide it, hide it!’ said Norah frantically, pointing to the still unopened bag. ‘My aunt and the Major will be here in a moment. Throw it on the top of that chest; they won’t see it there.’

  Vladimir swung the bag with fair aim; but the strap caught in its flight on the outstanding point of an antler fixed in the wall, and the bag, with its terrible burden, remained suspended just above the alcove where tea would presently be laid. At that moment Mrs Hoopington and the Major entered the hall.

  ‘The Major is going to draw our covers tomorrow,’ announced the lady, with a certain heavy satisfaction. ‘Smithers is confident that we’ll be able to show him some sport; he swears he’s seen a fox in the nut copse three times this week.’

  ‘I’m sure I hope so; I hope so,’ said the Major moodily. ‘I must break this sequence of blank days. One hears so often that a fox has settled down as a tenant for life in certain covers, and then when you go to turn him out there isn’t a trace of him. I’m certain a fox was shot or trapped in Lady Widden’s woods the very day before we drew them.’

  ‘Major, if any one tried that game on in my woods they’d get short shrift,’ said Mrs Hoopington.
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  Norah found her way mechanically to the tea-table and made her fingers frantically busy in rearranging the parsley round the sandwich dish. On one side of her loomed the morose countenance of the Major, on the other she was conscious of the scared, miserable eyes of Vladimir. And above it all hung that. She dared not raise her eyes above the level of the tea-table, and she almost expected to see a spot of accusing vulpine blood drip down and stain the whiteness of the cloth. Her aunt’s manner signalled to her the repeated message to ‘be bright’; for the present she was fully occupied in keeping her teeth from chattering.

  ‘What did you shoot today?’ asked Mrs Hoopington suddenly of the unusually silent Vladimir.

  ‘Nothing – nothing worth speaking of,’ said the boy.

  Norah’s heart, which had stood still for a space, made up for lost time with a most disturbing bound.

  ‘I wish you’d find something that was worth speaking about,’ said the hostess; ‘every one seems to have lost their tongues.’

  ‘When did Smithers last see that fox?’ said the Major.

  ‘Yesterday morning; a fine dog-fox, with a dark brush?’ confided Mrs Hoopington.

  ‘Aha, we’ll have a good gallop after that brush tomorrow,’ said the Major, with a transient gleam of good humour. And then gloomy silence settled again round the tea-table, a silence broken only by despondent munchings and the occasional feverish rattle of a teaspoon in its saucer. A diversion was at last afforded by Mrs Hoopington’s fox-terrier, which had jumped on to a vacant chair, the better to survey the delicacies of the table, and was now sniffing in an upward direction at something apparently more interesting than cold tea-cake.

  ‘What is exciting him?’ asked his mistress, as the dog suddenly broke into short, angry barks, with a running accompaniment of tremulous whines.

  ‘Why,’ she continued, ‘it’s your game-bag, Vladimir! What have you got in it?’

  ‘By Gad,’ said the Major, who was now standing up; ‘there’s a pretty warm scent!’